Dear Eric: My sister-in-law’s husband passed away several years ago. Over the years, my husband and I only saw them occasionally for holidays. A year after her husband passed away, she suddenly announced that she would be moving back to her hometown where we reside.
She purchased a home in a 55+ community 15 minutes from our home. As a result of her being now in very close proximity to us, we feel obligated to invite her on family vacations, dinners out and other family activities and outings.
We expected she would establish new friendships and build a new life here but we have become her primary source of companionship.
I would like to spend more time with my husband now and not have to always include her every time we make plans. It’s becoming an issue in my marriage.
Additionally, her health is declining and she may be thinking we’ll also provide elder care as she ages.
I don’t want to appear callous and uncaring but I did not expect a threesome at this stage of my life. How can we tactfully let her know how we feel?
– Three’s a Crowd
Dear Crowd: Even though you felt it was an obligation, you did become her de facto social director so it’s not unreasonable that she’s been slow to fill out her own dance card.
So, stop. Plan a vacation or night out and let her know, “We’re going away and we just want some time for us. Are there some events happening in your community that you think you’ll enjoy?”
Ask her directly about how she’s acclimating. Moving into a new place, especially after the death of a spouse, can be a jarring adjustment. Don’t be shy about talking through her efforts to make friends and establish her life. She may need the extra push.
Even more importantly, you and your husband should talk with her about her long-term care plans. Does she have a financial plan in place? Does she have long-term care insurance? What are the resources in the 55+ community that she can avail herself of? What is her financial situation? Has she thought about medical directives?
She should do some thinking abouthowshe wants to spend the next decades because help won’t just appear. Have the conversations now so that no one has assumptions or expectations and your sister-in-law is able to proactively make a plan and ask for help when needed.
Dear Eric: Unfortunately, I will soon be divorced after a 50-year marriage. It was mostly very good. We raised and homeschooled and launched seven marvelous human beings! But our relationship began to break down after an empty nest and retirement. That is what it is.
I have known my brothers- and sisters-in-law for those 50 years. I have grown very close to some of the brothers-in-law, particularly. During this excruciatingly slow demise of our marriage, I have avoided family reunions on her side.
After the divorce later this year, I would like to resume attending the major family reunions and include visits to my ex-in-laws from time to time.
I know that if I hint at my willingness to resume such visits, they would graciously respond and invite me. But how do I negotiate the actual long weekend of a family reunion with possibly dozens of my direct descendants and as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children and, of course, my ex?
I will be warmly welcomed by all of my ex in-laws, but my ex-wife and I have descended into almost no interchange, and what little remains is cold and perfunctory. I wish to maintain these lifelong relationships, what are some guidelines and approaches that I might use?
– In with the Exes
Dear In: Your ex-wife doesn’t “own” her family but it is her family of origin and so you have to overcome the coldness between you and ask her how she’d feel about you coming.
You do this because you don’t want her to feel that you’ve usurped a space of refuge for her. And you also do this to make sure she knows that these gatherings are a space of refuge for you.
I’d be surprised if she declined. It sounds like there’s going to be a lot of people there; you wouldn’t be forced to interact. But you should get the feelings out in the open first. This conversation may also help settle lingering resentments. You don’t want to be blindsided by a misread of the situation or her feelings.
As to the weekend itself, if she’s fine with you being there, then enter unencumbered and don’t dwell on others’ questions about what happened. You have 50 years of history with these folks; they’ll be happy to see you and there are plenty of other things to talk about.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
